Elijah’s Letter of Apology to Jezebel

Dear Jezebel

The last week has been one of reflection and repentance for me. As soon as I heard you made a threat against my life, I knew I had gone too far. As we all know, violent rage is just the language of the unheard. So the fact that you are so angry must mean that you are right. Can you imagine being so unsympathetic that you don’t automatically agree with an angry person because they are angry? Well, that was me not long ago. The more angry and furious someone becomes, the more obvious it is that the only compassionate thing to do is to agree wholeheartedly with them, because anger is sufficient evidence for the truth of what they are saying. And the measure of the evidence increases as the anger does. So violent rage is overwhelming evidence that someone is right. This is how I know I must be in the wrong. Unfortunately, some people ( like me not long ago) are just too obtuse and lacking in empathy to understand these things. We live in a culture of narcissism that is unfeeling and callous and it is the responsibility of every virtuous person to challenge it, to be a voice of empathy in the wilderness of psychopathic self-obsession.

Now what exactly I’ve done wrong is not a hundred percent clear, but the heart is deceitful above all things and the deceitfulness of sin blinds us. So in humility and love I must ask for your forgiveness. Are you okay? I think we just need to have a sit-down. Some honest and open communication is long overdue. I have come a long way to recognizing my bigotry against the cult of Baal. Baal is an open-minded and liberal god, who is quite comfortable with bestiality and incest. I’m starting to see beauty in the mythology and the rituals. The ritualistic prostitution and child sacrifice is a bit much to swallow for now, but I’m trying to get over my prudery and intolerance. Perhaps the cult of Baal has something important to teach us as many Israelites, apparently, have already recognized. I know my backward fundamentalist monotheism forbids Baal worship and its practices and I must seem very primitive to a civilized Phoenician royal like yourself, but I’m focusing on developing some tolerance toward your fascinating religion. After all, we can find beauty and goodness in all religions. There are many ways to the top of the mountain and God recognizes every form of devotion. Myself and 7000 others just need to get with the times. 

Long live King Ahab!

Elijah

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